Tucked away in a secret underground lab lies the most amazing and advanced technology in wrestling randomization. We cannot tell you much more thanks to the secrecy surrounding it. The legal team forbids it.

Just know that it is a whirring and buzzing piece of tech that cranks out a random date and then a series of random matches that either occurred or were broadcast on that date.

Following the inaugural run of the randomizer, we ran the machine again, following necessary safety protocols of course.

The result was a printout that contained five matches that spanned decade and promotion, a tasty quintet of wrestling bouts for us to study from October 15. This time out, we’ll be watching footage of action from 1980s WWE, along with puro and joshi from the ‘90s, TNA Knockouts clashing, and a modern classic from AAA Lucha Libre.

Don Muraco vs. Ken Jugan
WWE (1983)

The human whisky barrel Don Muraco held the Intercontinental Championship going into this match on Championship Wrestling at a time when that title was a massive deal and main evented shows on the regular.

He’s a captivating smug heel bruiser, but you don’t get to see much of that here. This match goes for less than three minutes. Muraco makes quick work of the jobber and is so confident against Mr. Jugan that he stops mid-action to have a meal.   

Leaving the announcers incredulous, Muraco chows on a sandwich and drinks a Coke after only brief spurts of physical exertion. I have never related to a wrestler more. I too do my best work with a nice cola and some carbs on hand.

The champ only does a handful of moves. He takes zero bumps. But dude still cashes that check at the end of the night. Add “Smartest Guy in the Room” to Muraco’s list of nicknames.  

Holy Demon Army vs. Super Generation Army
AJPW (1994)

A trios match with an ark-load of star power.

Akira Taue, Toshiaki Kawada and Yoshinari Ogawa team up against Kenta Kobashi, Mitsuharu Misawa and Jun Akiyama. That’s four, count ‘em, four Wrestling Observer Hall of Famers.

Things get chippy early but take a good while to boil over. It’s a bout that builds over time. Each squad takes turns doling out hard shots. The animosity between everyone swells and swells.   

The bits where Misawa’s at the center are rare, but you do get to see flashes of his grace and precision. Kawada’s the more prominent figure of the bunch, playing the bully expertly.

Kobashi’s bravado and fighting spirit, his hammering chops are all quite entertaining. If you’re a big Kobashi fan, this is a nice, little snack to enjoy. There are better entries on his greatest hits collection, however.

There are surefire classics and all-timers involving all these men. That’s not the case here. It’s more in the “really good” territory. It never reaches a true boiling point despite all that buildup.

The bonus of this clip of the six-man clash is all the fun ‘90s Japanese commercials that pop up along the way.  

Cutie Suzuki vs. Dynamite Kansai
JWP (1995)

90s joshi is my happy place. There’s something so comforting about that grainy film, seeing women beat the stuffing out of their foes, about the very 90s vibes of it all.

These are two women that don’t get talked about as much as their peers like Akira Hokuto and Manami Toyota even though they are both super talented. Suzuki is a babyface who draws fans in; Kansai is a compelling powerhouse with some nasty offense.

Before we get to see those traits on display, Dynamite shows up to the fight in some funky alien-inspired gear. Yes ma’am! Rock that shit.

Suzuki is ferocious once the bell rings, knowing she has a hellacious battle ahead of her. Kansai’s offense is straight murderous. We get a suplex on the floor, a kick to the molars, and a classic battle in the stands.

There is real danger throughout. It feels these women are in a legit struggle and one moment with your defense down could equal lights out.

A certified banger. May it serve as your gateway to Suzuki and/or Kansai’s work or joshi in general.

Havoc vs. Madison Rayne
Impact (2014)

I want to like this more, but I don’t.

I love that IMPACT (formerly TNA) has often been ahead of the rest of the American scene in showcasing women. The Knockouts Championship has often received a solid share of the spotlight. And here is an excellent example as Havoc and Rayne are given decent time and the chance to tell a fully story.

It’s just nothing special.

Havoc, the champ, plays the Goliath to Rayne’s David. She’s powerful and imposing. Rayne is a fine babyface. Their meeting here creates a similar dynamic to Kansai and Suzuki just not nearly on that level.

The action is slow and uninspiring. It’s okay at best, something to round out a TV episode.

El Hijo del Vikingo vs. Fenix
AAA (2022)

When while watching a wrestling match you leap up off the couch and start hooting and hollering all alone in your living room, you know it’s a damn good one. This AAA Mega Championship bout most definitely fits in that category.

You have to suspend disbelief in a few spots as it’s too obvious the guys are letting each other grab them and move their bodies about. Typical lucha stuff. But there’s not a bunch of that kind of thing here.

The majority of the action is comprised of straight up amazing stuff. Counters of counters on top of counters. Moves you have never seen before.

Plus, the match is more vicious than you might expect from a meeting of All-Planet athletes. Fenix and Vikingo are certainly performing circus-like offense, but there are bad intentions behind all of it. In the process, Fenix gets busted open and Vikingo tears up his foe’s mask.

It all adds up to the right mix of emotion and marvel, of fight and theatrics. In a word—superb.

Next time out, let’s hope the Wrestle Randomizer 5000 spits out matches as good as Vikingo vs. Fenix again. It’s intriguing to watch trash wrestling in a way, but there’s more to say about and more to experience with the top-flight bouts.

The randomizer needs to rest, though. You can’t overwork a piece of machinery like that.

So for now, we shelve the great contraption, giving the big beast its beauty rest until next time.