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“Oh no!” I hear you proclaim. It’s nearly February 14th, the sexiest of all the days of the year, and here you are without someone to dote upon and give flowers to.
Well fret not! Because I am back once more to be your pro-wrestling Cupid. If my Stardom Valentine’s cards didn’t find you a wife or a husband, then maybe you were just looking for love in the wrong promotion. So this year, I’m turning to the biggest promotion in Japan: New Japan Pro Wrestling. Success is sure to be yours, because I’ve not met a man or woman who would say no to Hiroshi Tanahashi. Stupid Sexy Ace.
I’ve compiled the most romantic, sure fire one liners. All you need to do is put your name and the name of your beloved (if you know it) on the card. Pick their favourite wrestler to show how much attention you pay to them and surely their heart will belong to you like the IWGP World Heavyweight Championship belongs to Kazuchika Okada!
Let’s start big, with some of the most recognisable faces in the company
Gotta’ respect a man who doesn’t need to show off his ripped body. If only I was hiding one…
Promise me if you don’t find love, you don’t act like Tanahashi’s ex and go all stabby stabby
He has an NJPW belt so he counts in my books
Perhaps your crush is a Los Ingobernables De Japon fan. It’s statistically likely considering how damn popular they are. Well I have you covered!
If you make it to the bedroom with this, just be aware it might take your partner about 35 minutes to undress
Imagine trying to co-ordinate an outfit to go with Hiromu’s colour scheme? No chance
Given Shingo chose to spend Christmas at DragonGate because he’s single and lives alone, maybe he’s not the best option here…
BUSHI was kind enough to apply some lipstick in anticipation for a kiss. How considerate.
Some men don’t need to utter a word to make hearts flutter. And some people just shouldn’t.
Of course some people are drawn to the bad boys (what’cha gonna do? What’cha gonna do when they come for you?). Well, Bullet Club and the House of Torture are just what you need!
Of course, anyone nicknamed the Knife Pervert might have a kink or two you should discuss ahead of time.
Sure he doesn’t use the move anymore, but sometimes you gotta pull out the classics
You won’t need to bring drinks, Taiji’s carrying a permanent 6-pack wherever he goes
I can headbang to about two metal songs now before my neck starts to hate my existence
I’m not going to pretend to be breaking new comedic ground with this one. But sometimes you just have to pick the low hanging fruit. Take a bite, it’s plenty juicy.
Then there’s CHAOS. Though using these cards shouldn’t provide any chaos in your love life, it should in fact be smooth sailing.
His record breaking reign lasted longer than most marriages do…
Who doesn’t love the Yoshi? He’s my go-to in Mario Kart
It’s important to be able to sell yourself when it comes to dating. And nobody knows self-promotion like Toru Yano!
What’s Master Wato’s favourite karaoke song? Eiffel 65’s Blue or course!
I apologise to all my fellow Australians for this one. I have no excuse
Bullet Club might be the ‘foreigner’ faction but we’ve seen the rise of two new ones of late: the United Empire and TMDK. Can’t let the local boys have all the fun!
We all know of every NJPW wrestler, ZSJ’s wrestling style would translate to the bedroom the best.
We were so close to having an All Australian Tag League final last year. Sigh
If you look closely at night, you can spy the Dragon constellation, made up of 6 stars to represent his 2021 title match with Shingo Takagi.
Khan you see the man is a bonafide legend already for his out of ring antics?
I feel like it’d be incredibly easy to just fall asleep in his big, muscular arms. You’d feel so safe…
We’re all somebody’s great catch. Just gotta hope they don’t fumble.
Let’s play roulette! Mystery wrestlers and mystery factions!
Of course Tom is a bit of a challenge, you’ve got to remove TWO pairs of jorts
Let’s Kaze Ni Nare together!
Given his nickname he better not be using an iPhone
The way to my heart is to just play their theme on repeat. It’s such a banger
Imagine going to meet the parents and Papa Shibata is there waiting for you…
I have no doubt Clark Connors has played ‘Knifey Spoony’ before.
Also known as the greatest faction name of all time
That’s a lot of cards to pick from. Some of them are pretty decent too! One of them must hold the key to you finding love. However, it’s always good to have one last ace up your sleeve in case you’re struggling. You’ve got to listen to a referee right?
Some people need to be counted out admittedly, but who am I to tell Red Shoes how to do his job?
There you go my puroresu lovebirds! Time to stop being a singles star and form that tag team. If you want to go for the NEVER Openweight Six Man Titles, who am I to judge? Happy Valentine’s Day!
Why must I be cursed to lead people to love that I can never attain? I’d settle for a Valentine’s card with a WWE wrestler on it…
Wrestle Inn 