There’s something so ostensibly exhilarating watching your favorite wrestlers and tag teams in action. Even more so when you think about which of them mix it up with which – all hail the concept of dream matches.
But you know what would be better? Instead of comparing them, declaring who is better than the other so boldly, and staunchly enforcing your opinion on this as fact.
Do not hold back. Give everything you have in these unwarranted arguments like you are Undertaker tossing Mankind off the Hell in a Cell onto a table below. This is where I wiggle my eyebrows at you while nudging you with my elbow as I grin stupidly, for I have made a reference to a wrestling moment, confirming that I too am a fan of professional wrestling and I remember this moment, so you must be reminded of this well-known and much discussed event as well.
For example, The Usos and The Young Bucks are two separate tags teams with their own styles. This would make them unique to our own tastes, right? Well, you’d be surprised because when you boil it down, your tastes are the determining factor: what you feel is the end-all-be-all as to the merit of what makes a great wrestler and what doesn’t.
Don’t let these people tell you that it is subjective and this is a competition. You have to bury your feet in the sand, your head in your ass, and let the world know.
Tag the wrestler you are defending while you’re at it like you’re extending your hand to their shoulder as if to say “Don’t worry, I’ve got this. You sit this one out.” While you’re at it, tag the wrestler you’re burying, because they dared to commit this crime against you of not being your favorite, for your clout desperately needs you.
This is supposed to happen, so do not resist that urge to regurtitate the filth that sits within your mind, waiting to be exhaled into the world. Let not the voice of your peers go unnoticed as well – you hop on that damn thread and toss in your cents. The echo chamber is stronger when we band together!
See, the fact that you’ve connected to the talent you speak highly of makes you important. Anyone else connecting to a different star is blasphemy and this gives you ground to break out the big guns.
Personally attack these wrestlers, whether it be any innocuous, harmless, insignificant thing or any fabric of their being that they can’t help – because surely this factors into how great they are.
When you see people comparing Kenny Omega to Roman Reigns, old wrestling to new wrestling, Edge to Christian Cage, or Shawn Michaels to Bret Hart, know you are not alone. Make your voice unnecessarily heard. I know it is easy to just not say anything but you need to make sure the world hears who you think is better. Do not hesitate behind that keyboard, these people need to know your opinions.
As for everything wrestlers have ever achieved in the wrestling ring? Sometimes you just have to accept that it is right to undermine every great thing accomplished to lift your favorite up.
In closing, remember this: do not sit on the fence. A side must be taken. You may be tempted to want to see matches between tag teams and singles competitors, but they don’t come close, so why bother?
This is Corey Michaels reminding you to be as insufferable as possible in making this fanbase as intolerable and uncomfortable to be in as possible.
Wrestle Binn is a satirical series, a creative avenue for our team to have fun writing about the less enjoyable aspects of wrestling.