Bread Club vs Bullet Club: A Very Serious Analysis

Muhammad Ali versus Joe Frazier. Barcelona versus Real Madrid. Boston Celtics versus Los Angeles Lakers. Heralded as some of the greatest sporting rivalries of all time, these contests have defined eras. Little did we know that a more heated rivalry was baked and ready to leave the oven this entire time. A rivalry that makes Ali versus Frazier pale in comparison…Bread Club versus Bullet Club!

There are endless disputes on social media regarding who is truly the best. Not a day goes by without somebody putting forth their case on Twitter, always leading to the most heated of arguments. Today, we put an end to the years of dispute. After hundreds of hours of research and painstaking statistical analysis, I can finally prove who is greater.

Credit: NJPW

On one side is Satoshi Kojima, the founder and sole member of Bread Club. For Kojima, bread isn’t just food, it’s a way of life. He has dedicated himself to the art of bread, discovering the finest bakeries across the world in an attempt to satiate his lustful desires. Imagine Winnie-The-Pooh and his need for honey, but with a decapitating lariat.

On the other side is the accumulated strength of Bullet Club. A seven year history that includes 30+ members, many of which have gone on to become global superstars, including former leaders Prince Devitt, AJ Styles and Kenny Omega. They are a coalition of rule-breakers and villains: definitely not Winnie-The-Pooh. The odds may seem stacked against Kojima, but with the power of bread at his side, anything is possible.

In NJPW today, Kojima is affectionately referred to as a “New Japan Dad” by fans. It’s a title of endearment placed upon those who were part of the Third Generation and are now on the older side of the age spectrum. Modern day fans may be blissfully unaware of Kojima’s prominence throughout not only NJPW but also All Japan Pro-Wrestling. He was the first man to ever hold the IWGP Heavyweight Championship and the Triple Crown Heavyweight Championship simultaneously – a feat that has only ever been matched once (by Keiji Muto). Now, Kojima once again finds himself in the spotlight as a last minute challenger for the IWGP US Heavyweight Championship briefcase, held by none other than Bullet Club member KENTA. It will be Kojima’s first singles match in the Tokyo Dome in seven years, and it may be his last.

His accolades between NJPW and AJPW, as both a singles wrestler and tag team wrestler, may just be large enough to match up against the combined strength of Bullet Club.

Credit: NJPW

G1 Climax – Kojima has won the tournament once, and Kenny Omega is the only Bullet Club man to win the tournament. However, Kojima has also won AJPW’s Champion Carnival, giving him the edge over Bullet Club. Score one to Bread Club.

Tag Team Championship Reigns – Kojima is a seven time IWGP Tag Team Champion, one time All Asia Tag Team Champion and three time World Tag Team Champion, giving him a grand total of 11(!) reigns as a tag team champion. Bullet Club have a combined 10 reigns across three separate occasions in NJPW (G.O.D six times, Gallows and Anderson three times and The Young Bucks once). Not even the united Bullet Club force can topple Kojima in tag team reigns. Bread Club remains in the lead.

Heavyweight Championship Reigns – Kojima is a two time IWGP Heavyweight Champion and two time Triple Crown Heavyweight Champion. As for Bullet Club, they have a combined six reigns (AJ Styles twice, Kenny Omega, Jay White and EVIL once each). I’m a fair man, and it’s clear to see here that Bullet Club’s six reigns overpower Kojima’s four. Bullet Club are catching up.

Love of Bread – Kojima’s life is bread, wrestling, and bread. The only English portion of his Twitter bio even reads “I am a pro-wrestler who loves bread.” When Kojima buys bread, he has to eat it immediately: “It has to be right away! I can never wait, so I eat the baguette in the car and then if it’s any good, I go straight back into the shop.” His tweets about bread have become Gospel:
Kojima 17/04/2019, “I want to eat bread with a dinosaur, baby.”
Kojima 18/03/2019, “Eat bread and make people around the world happy.”
Kojima 24/04/2018, “Bread will save the world!”
The man is changing the world for the better, all through his love of bread. It’s truly a miracle to be alive at the same time as such a wholesome hero.

As for Bullet Club, no member has even once expressed their love of bread. I’m sure they eat bread, and maybe they even like bread, but do they love it? The evidence isn’t there to support them. This is, of course, the most important category in this comparison – worth far more points than trivial things such as championship reigns. Already in the lead, Bread Club have now overlapped Bullet Club, and it’s clear who the winner truly is.

This definitely wasn’t an excuse to just highlight the joy that is Bread Club, but instead a very serious analysis of the impact both Bread Club and Bullet Club have had not only on the wrestling world, but the world at large.

It’s pretty clear who the winner is in this comparison. Sure, Bullet Club are one of the most successful groups of all-time in wrestling; they have literally changed the wrestling world and continue to do so with their alumni within AEW and WWE…But they’re no Bread Club, baby.