You promised yourself that this year would be different. That you wouldn’t leave everything to the last minute. But yet here you are, with nothing wrapped as you hear Santa’s sleigh jingle off in the distance. And so you’ve come here to the internet, looking for help. Well you’re not alone, I kind of forgot too. Can we agree to blame it on the pandemic?
I might not be able to help you find the perfect piece of jewelry to buy your beloved, but I am qualified when it comes to getting that perfect wrestling-themed gift. Whether it’s a stocking stuffer or the main event, let’s go shopping together and see what we can buy for the wrestling fans in our lives!
*All prices have been converted to USD
El Segundo Steve Austin’s Broken Skull IPA
Price: $4.99 for one, $17.99 for a pack of four
Now if I’m being honest, I’m not sure if I’d trust Austin’s choice of beer – since any time he’d “crack a cold one” in the ring, most of it ended up everywhere but his mouth. But Stone Cold and beer go hand in hand and this pairing made a lot of sense; so he joined up with El Segundo to produce this craft beer. So if you have a friend who doesn’t mind knocking back a drink or two, why not combine two of their passions? That shows that you know them after all.
Be sure to buy your friend a 4-pack, because then they’ll probably be obliged to share one with you. And we all know the best gift you can give someone is a gift that you’ll also be able to enjoy. In fact, maybe I can enjoy a couple now and just put one in the stocking? I have to make sure it’s a good present after all.
Top Rope Craft Beers
Price: From $6.50 to $40
Of course, maybe you prefer your craft beers with a healthy dose of punnage? Top Rope Brewery is a UK based micro who can cover your desire to get drunk under the guise of fandom. Whether you want a keg of Wrest-Ale-Mania or a Papa Mango, Top Rope’s got you covered. The fact that you have a range of beer choices means that even if your friend is a bit picky in how they want to get drunk, you can probably find something here that matches their palate while still ticking that wrestling box.
Though, I have to question the branding decision in releasing a “Don’t you Dare be Sour” sour beer. Isn’t that counter-intuitive? I guess I should try one now so I know for sure if it’s sour or if it doesn’t dare to be.
Finn Balor Standee
This is the perfect gift to give someone that you ever so slightly want to annoy. Because while a standee will get a big reaction when it’s first revealed, it’s a giant piece of gimmicky cardboard that you have to find somewhere to store afterwards. Sure, it’s fun at first to prank people or use it as a hat-stand. But sooner or later it loses it’s novelty, and people without a sense of humour will come over to your house (and you don’t want to explain why you own a life sized cut-out of a half naked person)! And no matter where it goes, it’ll take up room.
Want to scare your kids? Then guaranteed they’ll forget about it until they wake up one night from a bad dream and see the 6 foot creepy monstrosity watching them from the corner of the room. Or maybe you want to test your marriage? Just buy this Finn Balor standee and have your wife slowly realise that you’ll never look quite as good as the Armani model in small trunks who is confidently displaying his many, many….MANY abs. He’s even looking at you, daring you to try and compare yourself to him. How’s it feel to lose out to a hunky piece of cardboard? Hmm, do I have any more of those wrestling beers laying around? Looks like Gallows and Anderson have a Talk ‘N’ Shop Bourbon Whiskey. That’ll do.
Tetsuya Naito Boxers
How is this not a thing that every wrestling promotion has jumped on to? Sure, we can all buy some plain black briefs and pretend we’re Stone Cold Steve Austin (don’t act like you never did), but this is the perfect gift for the fan in your life who wants to wear merch in support of their favourites – but doesn’t necessarily want to be seen in it. And then if you want to transform like Superman, off with the pants and BAM, you’re Tetsuya Naito. The good thing is you can leave your shirt on if you’d like, because Naito only strips down fully for the big matches.
If you’re wanting to spice things up in the bedroom, I’d recommend buying the Zack Sabre Jr. boxers. Because if there’s one wrestler’s style that would translate under the sheets, it’s the grappler whose finishing moves could double as a Kama Sutra guide.
Wrestling ring themed bed
Cost: From $1060 to $1605
Speaking of spicing up the bedroom and practicing moves on each other, why not drop all pretense and turn your bedroom into your very own wrestling arena?
* Sellers note: This is a themed product and is not designed to be wrestled in.
Oh please, you can’t tell me someone isn’t going to make the most of this? My teddy bear was the recipient of many a Rock Bottom onto the bed back in the day. And because every order is custom made, you can really make it your own. Choose the colours, the size, and you too can stand tall in Slumberslam! (Although I can’t help but look at the fact that the ‘ropes’ are metal, and feel like this would be a real pain to get in and out of).
Ring Worn and Autographed Io Shirai Entrance Mask
Have you ever wondered how wrestlers like Bushi can afford all of their weird and wonderful masks? Well, after they wear them, they sell them! Wrestling stores in Japan like Todoukan and Depomart have a wealth of ring worn masks/costumes for purchase. If a masked wrestler performed in Japan, they’ve probably had their masks sold at one of these shops. And they come in all shapes and prices (within reason). You can pick up an older Bushi mask for under two hundred dollars if you want, or you can fork out nearly sixteen thousand for one of the rare early ‘70s Mil Mascaras masks.
I don’t have quite that much laying around unfortunately. But for one and a half grand you can purchase a mask that Io Shirai wore at Korakuen Hall in 2018 during her Wonder of Stardom championship defense against Momo Watanabe. It’s so authentic that it even has makeup marks on the inside! The Stardom women don’t skimp on these one off masks; it’s highly detailed and features plenty of sparkly rhinestones. Just be prepared to cry after it’s unwrapped and the first thing they do is try and force it around their big head, dropping its value in an instant. Maybe that should be a present to myself then instead? I’ve been good this year, and I’ve always been an Io Shirai fan.
Kazuchika Okada ‘Rainmaker’ Money Gun with 100 Okada dollars
Oh god, did I just spend well over two thousand dollars on a woman’s mask and an impractical ring bed? The wife’s going to kill me…
…Hang on, this comes with a hundred dollars and only costs forty six? Jackpot! I’m making money!
Big match Kazuchika Okada has one of the best entrances in the business, and that’s often punctuated with hundreds of “Okada dollars” falling from the sky. Well, now you too can pretend to be the Rainmaker with this money gun. All you have to do is load up the Okada dollars that are included. Then, throw the arms out, pull the trigger, and make it rain like it’s the Tokyo Dome.
Afterwards, while you’re on your knees picking up the hundred paper dollars, realise that it’ll be used exactly once. Because when Okada comes out to the ring, he doesn’t have to pick up after himself. He has Young Lions to do that. You don’t, so you have to do it yourself. But still, look how much fun Okada’s having with the guns in the promo video…
It’s also the only way to get the Rainmaker dollars outside of being at a live event and getting lucky enough to catch one when they’re dropped from the sky during his entrance.
Wrestling toy set with 12 figures and props
“Mum, can we get some wrestling figures”
“We have wrestling figures at home.”
The wrestling figures at home:
Ok I won’t lie, I was going to spend more on the kids, but after the mask and ring I’m running a little low, and apparently Target doesn’t accept Okada dollars…
A staple of the dollar store and cheap market stalls is the generic piece of plastic that vaguely resembles something famous. Not everybody can afford to buy their kids a bunch of licensed WWE or AEW action figures. But here, for less than a tenner, you not only get a bunch of figures, a ring WITH a cage, a wealth of weapons, and other props to cover almost any kind of match you might want to put on. And thanks to the rise of sites like Aliexpress and Wish, you don’t even need to leave your home to shop dollar store style. And maybe you’ll even get what it is you ordered….just don’t hold your breath.
Now to be fair, it’s all but guaranteed to fall apart like a ring after a Brock Lesnar/Big Show superplex. That’s even if the pieces have been molded well enough to fit in the first place. But at this price, it’s not the worst way to acknowledge a kid’s fandom. If you squint through a blindfold, some of the figures resemble actual wrestlers, and with so many figures and props, some of them are bound to still be working a week later. Though when you consider how they look in the glam shots that are meant to sell this product, you should probably keep your expectations low.
Daniel Bryan ‘Yes’ Pendant
Ok I’m in real trouble now, the wife just saw my credit card transaction history (and all the empty beer cans) and isn’t speaking to me. Apparently, I’m ruining Christmas and my Zack Sabre Jr. moves weren’t enough to impress her. So, I’m going with a hail mary. I’m going to ask if she still loves me, and if I’m being honest, I need all the help I can get. Maybe if I put ‘Yes’ on her mind, she’ll say it on instinct when I ask her.
And what better way to do so than with this officially licensed Daniel Bryan pendant! Show your love and appreciation for not only your beloved, but also one of the industry’s best by….
…I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now, I think she’s packing an overnight bag. I’ve gotta go! Wish me luck…